Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
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SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
File under excellent bookstore names.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
I’m giving up ice.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
This made me smile…
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok