My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
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Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement