My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
You Might Also Like
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
if my sleeping schedule was a person
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.