Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
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The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.