Who called it cremation and not ashashination
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Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Worst Native American name ever.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
me working on my assignments ^-^
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.