How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
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Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Monica just destroyed the internet
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Help Wanted
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula