My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
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I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Mountain Goat : )
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.