My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
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(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
My blood type is coffee.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.