Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
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Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?