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Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’