Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
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[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.