the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
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Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Worth the read.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.