[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
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NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what