Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
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Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.