i’m so old i’m almost back in style
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If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
dutch is not a serious language
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have