“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
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People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it