Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
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Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay