*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
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Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
I get distracted pretty eas
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.