Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
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How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication