My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
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If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.