[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
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“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
time for some seasonal decor
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”