If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
You Might Also Like
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
How times have changed.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds