Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
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Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
584.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now