Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
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In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
“I’m helping” 😅
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now