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people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN