How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
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Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.