Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
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Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.