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Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.