honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
You Might Also Like
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars