BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
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I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
*exercises sarcastically*
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
LMAO.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with