I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
You Might Also Like
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Miscakes
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit