{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
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My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?