Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
You Might Also Like
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym