wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
You Might Also Like
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.