My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
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Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
A great tip. #CakeRex
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life