Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
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a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
dutch is not a serious language
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
peep davidson
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.