Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
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A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Me too, bag. Me too….
I have so many questions.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.