Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
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Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.