Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
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“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*