There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
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The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.