Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
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“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
welp
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we鈥檙e outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it鈥檇 still be 3 pages long.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
y鈥檃ll I鈥檓 about to get violent cuz wtf
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don鈥檛 care if you don鈥檛 feel it, you need to try.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?