there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
You Might Also Like
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich