Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
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I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Interior design 👌
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
yall want some gasoline milk
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.