I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
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If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Do not go gentle into that good night,
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
the greatest twitter interaction
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh