One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
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This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Beauty and the Beast
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Quadruple digit IQ
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old