Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
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Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”