I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
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Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy