Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
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My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.