Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
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Twitter is an abusement park.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
english majors be like furthermore
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.