I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
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Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.